Amma's Wisdom-I
This is the story about my mother - Amma. In the tradition of south India 'Amma' is what a mother is addressed as. Amma means 'mother' in most southern part of India. I am not attempting a biography of Amma, but about her living itself which was an example and spoke more eloquently than her words and the little stories she told us and about her faith in her children and I believe there is some learning in the way Amma lived and the stories Amma told us and therefore, I am attempting at this short sketch of Amma's life and her little stories. This sketch is also not chronologically arranged and I have written anecdotes and stories as and when appropriate in the narrative..
I would love to narrate the entire life story of Amma. The way she lived her life and the way she related to each one of us and the way she showed her courage, compassion and love was in itself sufficient wisdom to elevate and inspire us. However, I believe that, the anecdotes connected with her and the stories she shared with us at the very appropriate time of our life, would be better than my narrative and would give a complete perspective of Amma and would be a better guide & wisdom to follow.
Amma was a woman of very few words, therefore, story telling was not one of her forte. However, her spontaneity in coming up with an appropriate story to a situation was amazing. Therefore, the stories I have shared here, told by Amma are not many, but very effective.
Amma's background
Amma was the first born to Triveni bai and Tammanna achar, in a villege called Koppa, somewhere close to Gadag a town near Dharwad. She was named Susheela. All most all the names in India have a meaning to them. In Sanskrit 'su' means good, 'sheela' means character - thus the name Susheela means good character.
My uncles - mother's brothers, were good story tellers and also shared their story and shared about Amma as a child, but Amma was the most quieter version of her siblings and rarely shared about her childhood.
As a child or as an adult, I didn't ask my mother much about her childhood, therefore, what I have to share about Amma's childhood or adolescence is very little. The little things I have heard about her as a child seems very much similar to her being an adult and a mother.
Amma being the eldest child in the family was expected to care for her siblings and even as a child she was compassionate, caring and looked after her siblings. She could finish 4th grade, which meant her total school education was only for four years. The village school being in Karnataka, where the language spoken is Kannada, Amma could learn only the Kannada alphabet and perhaps reading a jbit of Kannada script.
When she was 15 years she was married to my father Bhageerathraj, who may be a few years older to my mother, and at that time, my father's family lived in Hyderabad, the capital city of Andhra Pradesh. My father was the last of 5 children to my grand father and he had lost his mother when he was a couple of months old. My grand father, though a Sanskrit scholar pandit (means the most learned) from Kashi -the famous seat of Sanskrit education in India, did not have a steady job after he left Kashi and settled down in Hyderabad with his children. But he was a very influential person and did social work helping people to get jobs! There are so many stories of him about how he got jobs for many many people, though he himself didn't have a job (!) or steady income.
After his 10th grade, my father got a job in a bank as a clerk - you guessed it right, courtesy my grand father! He had to move with his wife to a place near Hyderabad called Warangal. It seems, my father was good in literature, but was not so good in his accounting skills. Thus by the time he finished the bank work, it would be too late in the evening and returned home exhausted. When my grand father visited my parents in Warangal, he was not happy about my father working late hours in the Bank and returning home late in the evening. Upon enquiry, my father seems to have told my grand father that the accounting work in the Bank does take time and by the time he finishes his accounting of a day, it would already be late in the evening and by the time he commuted home, normally it was very late in the evening. This seems to have irked my grand father and therefore, he told my father that he would get him another job which would require spending a stipulated time not later than 5 in the evening.
Our family has a farm in a village called Kallur, which is about 20 km from the nearest Town -Raichur. My grand father it appears learned that there was a primary school teacher's post vacant in one of the Government schools in Raichur and required the teachers to attend school only between 10 am to 5 pm and added to that there were winter and summer vacations to which the teachers were entitled to and my grand father satisfied about the working hours as also the nearness of this working place to the farm in Kallur made sure that the vacancy was filled up by my father.
Thus, my father was made to resign from the Bank and started his new career as a primary school teacher in Raichur about22 kms from the village Kallur where we had our farm.
Even this arrangement seems to have not totally satisfied my grand father, since my father apart from teaching at the school, had to go to the farm on a regular basis and the thought of his son managing two jobs between a town and a Village was not so bearable to my grand father and thus he got my father transferred to the very Village Kallur, so that his son would have the job and the farm... A typical case of eating the cake and having it too!!
Thus, in a span of couple of years Amma went through the roller coaster ride from a girl from a village to a big city and then a shift to a town - Warangal, and back to a remote and a rustic village. She had three children by that time and she gave birth to two more after father and mother come to settle in the village life. Just an year after my birth, my eldest sister Jayalaxmi was married and went to settle with her husband away from the village and thus my family in the village was reduced to parents and four children.
Thus, when my mother came to live her village life she had to adjust to a very old house bought by my grand father, which according to me, would remind any body from a town as a ramshackle dwelling. The building including its roof was made of mud and stones. The house had two covered porticos in the front and and after entering the main door, there was a low level shed for the cattle awith about ten cattle in the shed and the main hall of the house was slightly elevated than the cattle shed. There was a kitchen on the left and two storage rooms adjustment to the hall. There were light vents through the roof and no windows on the wall which is typical of any house in that village. The house was perhaps decades old when it was bought in 1958. The duration of her life in that village house for over 35 years before she came to Bangalore to live with me and my brother after my father's death.
I guess, my father having studied and grown up in a city, Hyderabad, had the least experience about living and managing a village house and perhaps no experience at all to manage the farm in the village. Thus, for my parents, it must have been a revelation to have shifted from a city to a town and then to a small village.
(Her first challenge after settling down in the village - Saving her husband's life from a critical lung TB surgery.)
It must have been 10 years after my parents settled in the village, my father developed lung TB (tuberculosis), suspected to be congenital having passed from my grand mother to my father and had to be hospitalized in a town- Bellary, about 300Km away from the village, where there was a hospital attached to a Medical college. This according to me is the first of the many challenges that my mother had to manage in her life.
The treatment lasted for over 3 years and during this time she hardly met us and thought of nothing else other than saving my father's life from the deadly lung TB.
This twist in her life meant separation from her young kids, leaving the farm to be tended by a relative and nursing my father and managing the money required for treatment of my father and without any income from my father's job.
Me and my elder brother were sent to my mothers first younger brother in a town near by, sister Geeta was sent to my mothers second younger brother and my younger brother Santosh went with her, being a small child.
For me it was a time of my life when I really craved to be with my parents instead of living in my uncle's house. Since this is not my story that I am narrating, I won't dwell much on my life in my uncle's home, except saying that it was an arduous time of my childhood. It must have been a similar experience for my sister and brothers. Be that as it may, life moved on...
On my mother's part, she with her single minded dedication & grit and a never give up attitude coupled with her enormous faith in God and hope, she saved my father from the jaws of death. The surgery was successful and she returned to the village with my father and made sure that all her children were back with her in the village.
This is her story about her singleminded dedication, grit, never give up attitude and her faith in the God and hope, through which she managed to come out of a most difficult time early in her life.
( Life as a farmer in the village and managing the house and her children:)
I must mention that my father being the last of the five children and having lost his mother as a child, coupled with the surgery during which he lost one lung, he was a very mild and gentle person and not too strong to take care of the farm.
Thus my mothers journey as a farmer began after she came back to the village after my father's surgery. Added to this responsibility was the house hold chores and the children she had to take care.
She would be up by 5 in the morning and worked till 9 in the late evening. She was a 5 to 9 working bee paying many roles -as a wife, framer and mother. In a sense she was the reverse of the modern 9 to 5 worker. From a gritty wife and a loving mother she took on the role of a hard working farmer. She would milk the cows, cook for us and go to the farm to tend the farm apart from taking care of the special medical needs of my father.
Donning the role of a farmer, she quickly learnt the art of farming. Being a woman with no farming background and not used to the arduous work on the farm, I believe that her grit and faith in herself and her commitment to the family made her a good and successful farmer.
If not for Amma, we would have lost our father, we would have lost the farm and we would perhaps have not come together again as a family and may be, we would have been literally on the street.... I dread to think of what would have happened to each one of us and I do not know where each one of us would have landed ourselves in the wilderness of this world, if Amma had not put all her courage, grit, commitment and her love together to pull our family through the uncertainties of those days. Her unique qualities saved us from that calamity and gave us a chance to make it in life. In a true sense all of us children owe our existence today in this world today to Amma.
(My elder brother's death.)
I have never seen my mother crying or being anguished or scared almost through out her life. She was an epitome of calmness and equanimity. She always put up her bold face and didn't let a situation force her to cry or show anguish.
But one incidence in her life really shattered her and perhaps the only time she showed her anguish - the death of my elder brother.
My brother was studying in college in a near by town. I remember the day when the news of my brothers death was told to my parents. I was 14 and was in my school in my village. My parents had already gone to the town and I, my brother and sister were taken to the town later. By the time we reached, the funeral was over and my mother was crying inconsolably. When we met her, she took all the three of us in her arms and cried and held us as though to prevent some one from snatching us away from her. She cried almost till the evening and was inconsolable. Suddenly she stopped crying and came to us and hugged us wiping her eyes. She told us that we will return to the village the same night and we returned to our village the same night. That was the only one day she cried so inconsolably and I never saw her crying like that again in her entire life.
She continued to go to the farm and cook food for us and milked the cows and took care of my fathers medical needs. For a few months, there were no celebrations in the house but she prepared special food during the festivals and served to every one including the people who worked in our farm. She kept her routine meticulously and and didn't let us or father be worried about her. She was any way a quiet woman, but after the incident, she become more quieter. Though she would prepare special food on festivals and occasions and served it to all of us, but she didn't eat sweets or any special food during those times. She didn't participate in village events, except the spiritual ones. All that she felt inside her, she kept it to herself and never let that come in the way of taking care of the family or the farm. It took Amma a couple of years to overcome this emotion. Then she let the incident pass by her and started participating in festivals and events.
I see this incidence as remarkable, because, though she went through her emotions for a couple of years, she never let that affect us or father or neglected the farm. She went through her emotions silently and by abstaining from festivals and not eating sweets as a mark of grief for her son. Once that phase passed by, she returned to her normal self. I always think of this incident as great lesson in self-restraint and an awareness that what one is going through shouldn't affect others and their life and life must go on... Take your time in dealing with your grief but continue your concern for the ones around you and do your duties -the wound will ultimately heal and the grief will vanish and you will be free inside again.
( My childhood with Amma in the Village)
After my elder brother's demise, I became the eldest child in the family by default.
Life in a village is rustic. As a young boy in the village I was rustic and yet full of enthusiasm. I would go to school regularly but showed more enthusiasm in the village adventures. Climbing mountains, discovering caves in the mountains, swimming in the village and farm wells, kite flying, participating in local events and so on....It kept me busy, happy and healthy. I never felt that I missed the town life, though we would visit the town nearby to meet our relatives.
I would also accompany my mother and would assist her in the farm. I was fascinated about everything connected to the farm. The ploughing, sowing seeds, tending to saplings, plucking cotton in the cotton field. I also enjoyed eating the fresh farm produce and mother was constantly behind me telling me not to do this or that. I was proud of Amma for her keen interest in farming, and her knowledge about farming and the dedication with which she looked after the farm. There would be several workers working in the farm and she would instruct them what's the right thing to do. By the sun set me and Amma would return home by walk and Amma would get busy again with making tea for guests and cooking the dinner for the family.
In the years I spent my life in the village with Amma, though Amma was working in the kitchen, farm and taking care of her husband and children, she never showed any sign of being tired or being overburdened with work, therefore, I never even once thought that Amma may be tired after returning from the farm or tending to cows and cooking dinner and serving the meal to the entire family.
I believe that, she did everything with joy and total commitment and deeply involved in what she did -whether farming, cooking, milking cows, tending to guests or taking care of children and this quality of hers I think kept her going for years without complaining about her work burden. This quality of hers perhaps permeated to us- her children and thus we had minimum complaints about things around or lack of comforts.
Thus, Amma inculcated in us through her very living that nothing is difficult or not possible to do. She would always say, 'oh this work' no big deal..... it can done!
I Can say with conviction that attitudes sown by Amma - not by advising or giving sermons, but by her actions and being, have been a great boon to me, my sister and my brother. So, as a farmer, wife, mother and the manger of the house hold she did marvelously well and that too with involvement.
(About my fiasco at the pre-university exams:)
I must mention that my mother was very proud of her children and sincerely believed that all the children were intelligent and capable and she never gave up this conviction. The following story makes the point clear:
Since my village had only a school up to 10th grade, I went to a near by town for my pre-university education. Being a student coming from a village background and not knowing to speak or write good english language, coupled with my penchant to imitate town boys - spending more time loitering than studying, I did poorly in my pre-university education. Thus lost out on pursuing an engineering course. That apart my so called image took a severe beating, since Amma always praised me as an enterprising and intelligent student and she told everyone that her son will do well in college and would pursue a professional course.
With any other mother, this would have been indefensible unfortunate incident. But Amma seemed unperturbed and called me and made me sit next to her and she told me this story:
You know Venkatesh, the goddess of all wealths has eight sister, representing eight wealths. She narrated that each goddess represented one wealth. One the money, second the grain, third the children/ offsprings, fourth the wealth of courage, fifth the wealth of cattle, sixth the wealth of knowledge and science, seventh the wealth of success and the eighth, the bestower of wishes. Each one of these wealths are the gifts of the goddess of all wealths. Any one possessing these wealths will be a complete person.
She told me the Sanskrit names of these goddesses which represent these eight wealths..
[ Dhana laxmi : for money and gold riches and prosperity
Dhanya Lakshmi "Lakshmi as goddess of grain"): Giver of agricumltural wealth.
Gaja laxmi : Giver of animal wealth, like cattle and elephants.
Santana Lakshmi :Bestower of offspring
Dhairya Lakṣmī, "Courage Lakshmi: courage and strength for overcoming difficulties in life.
Vijaya Lakshmi : to beget success.
Vidya Lakshmi :the bestower of knowledge of arts and sciencesP
Vara Lakshmi : "The lady who bestows Beautiful Boons".]
She went on to narrate the story about a king who had all these wealths. When any king has all these wealths, there cannot be any doubt that the kingdom would do well in all spheres of that country and the king would be a most loved and respected king. The people in that kingdom would also be very happy with all the wealths available in that country.
Over a period of time, the goddess of wealth and riches felt that she was not given the due respect she deserved and therefore, decided to leave the king and his kingdom and therefore, she went to the king and told him so. The king didn't appear to be perturbed and told her that it was her wish to stay or go.... Immediately, the goddess of wealth disappeared. The goddess of grains and agriculture was watching this and she followed the suit, telling the king,that without wealth she cannot stay and when the king asked to do what she pleased, she vanished. The other goddesses followed suit and one by one -each one of them disappeared in front of the King. That left one goddess - the goddess of courage (the one who gives strength for overcoming difficulties in life), sitting alone contemplating. After a while she slowly walked up to the king, she told him that after the exit of her seven sisters, she would be lonely and she told him that she too would have to follow them.
At this point, the king kneeled before the goddess of courage and held her hand and told her that, the other goddesses were transcient and temporary and beseeched her to stay with him. The king told her that, it was enough for him that she stayed with him and promised her that in a matter of month he would make sure to bring back all the other goddesses who had left him to join her. The goddess was a little hesitant and told that king that, one month was all that she would get to keep his promise.
The story goes that with courage and the strength to overcome hurdles, the king brought back all the goddesses - of wealth, grain.....and ll of them.
After telling me this story, my mother looked at me with all her love and held my hand said : 'Venkatesh, right now the goddess of success has eluded you but you still have the goddess of courage and use her strength and you will be able get unlimited success!
Instead of chiding me and asking all the awkward questions, Amma reassured me that I can still be successful and shine in life. This showed her faith in me and also her conviction about the power of courage to overcome hurdles and that if I used that wealth, I would achieve all other wealths!
This one story and her faith in me and her conviction that I can over come hurdles, changed my life for ever. I went back to college and earned two gold medals and landed a job in a bank then turned an attorney and started a law firm and the rest is history.
This was the power of her being and the power of her story that transformed a carefree boy into an achieving man!
(The story about humility :)
Amma always had a way of broaching any subject in a subtle way and never let me feel that she is advising me or rendering a sermon to me about the good and the bad or about the right and the wrong. She seemed so unassuming yet very loving when she talked that she got her point across with ease and minimum effort. I never felt that I was being advised or given a sermon. Therefore, it was very acceptable to sit with her and listen to her and agree with her.
After my convocation at the university receiving the gold medal by the Chancellor of the University and along with the photograph I went to visit my parents in the village. I felt as though i had conquered an empire. I showed the gold medal and the photograph receiving the medal to my parents. My father was very proud of me and took the photo and the medal to show it to the entire village and my mother showed her love by preparing my favorite dishes that day.
A few days passed by. Amma told me this story, after my educational success landing with two gold medals, when she perhaps thought that, I showed a hint of arrogance, especially to people who looked at me as a failure. She broached the subject about my further education and during the talk some how she slipped these lines..... She said - see Venkatesh, the nature has big trees small trees and grass in its expanse. You know the vagaries of the weather are such that you can never predict about the weather- sometimes the weather will be pleasant with soft nice breeze and some times the weather turns rough with strong winds and sometimes it turns into a storm and whirlwind... you know Venkatesh, most of the trees survive the rough weather, but the taller the tree - it can survive the strong winds and storms only if it can bend when the storms hit them, the rest which cannot bend will break...... So,the taller you grow you should learn to bend more and more and then can you survive the storms... and then she suddenly pointed out that... the grass will survive any kind of weather - the breeze, the storms and,the whirl winds.... Because it knows to bend in all weathers... So remember Venkatesh, the more you grow tall, the more you should learn to bend... you can grow as tall as you can and you want to......but remember to have the sensibility of the grass ... learn to bend .. and you will never break!
I had read a quote which said - 'humility is the mother of all virtues'.
When you read Amma's observation about the taller tree and the sensibility of the grass, it explains humility in the simplest of the ways in which humility can be explained.... and if you are confused or want to know what does 'surrender' mean, just think about Amma's words about the ability of the tall tree and the sensibility of the grass...it will save you from reading the most eloquent treatise on humility and surrender!
The more I think of this example, I am more inclined to think of Amma's wisdom was direct and simple to understand and you can never get confused about humility and surrender when you read this story!
(Patience- the story about Payassa)
Amma was a patient woman. The meaning of patience for Amma meant that one has to be patient till any objective is achieved. She was clear that, merely being patient during the preparation process and losing it just before the completion of the task was an enormous waste of time and energy coupled with the sad feeling of having failed in the endeavor.
Her wisdom about patience was a simple story she narrated many times about the preparation of a sweet called payasa. Preparation of payasa is an art and requires time to prepare since different ingredients, such as thin noodles, the cashew nuts, keshar- a flavour, powdered cardamom and a few more ingredients. Milk is boiled and condensed on a low but a constant temperature for hours. Some time half way through the process these ingredients have to be added and continue to be boiled a few more hours. One has to constantly stir the contents to avoid the milk getting unevenly boiled.
Thus payassa (a south indian sweet) requires the right ingredients and the patience to make it a delicious sweet, full of aroma.
Amma would narrate this process and would tell us that 'see , in order to make payassa, it requires the skill to prepare the ingredients and most importantly the patience to constantly monitor it during the preparation'. Unless one is involved in making payasa with concentration that there is a possibility that the milk will be partially burnt and the sweet will be unpalatable. Then she would tell us that,' see in preparing the payasa is an example of patience with involvement' however she would continue the story and say, 'before just finishing cooking the payassa, if you get upset with something or some one ... in that moment of impulse if you a put a spoon of salt in it... imagine what will happen to the payassa?? The delicious sweet will become inedible and all the hard work, the preparation, the involvement and the patience will all be in vain... Then she would tell us ' see the most delicious sweet prepared by you with such involvement and concentration could be spoiled in a moment by a spoon of salt.....then you can only feed your effortful dish to your kitchen dustbin! She would be silent for just a couple of seconds and turn her attention to us and say 'see... patience is not about spending hours and hours working hard on something....but it is all about being patient until you have completed the task successfully... one last momentary lapse of patience will let the whole effort run down the drain in seconds...... so patience is all about keeping your focus and determination alongside your hard work and never to lose it until you have completed the task... otherwise all the best efforts will turn into failures instead of a turning into satisfying success'.
Isn't what Amma said is true and simple- that 'patience' is explained in a very short story.... no elaborate sermons or lengthy explanations about patience......just a simple payassa story!
So until the objective is achieved, keep your restraint intact, lest one small impulse destroys an year's work.
Amma's simplicity spoke in her short stories and anecdotes, which would leave an impression on us and never have I forgotten about this story...... Whenever an impulse or an upsetting thought appears in me when I am on a project ... this story helps me to calm down and continue on the project without being distracted by the vagaries of situations, peoples' remarks or any other thing which distracts me from my chosen objective. What a wonderful example that she gave about patience- simple in itself yet very profound and easy to follow.
(Amma's life in Bangalore:)
Amma was generally healthy and avoided taking any medicine if she fell ill or felt feverish or had a head ache. Just before my father's passing away, Amma had developed wheezing. She had not suffered this condition earlier in her life. As usual she tried her home medications but the wheezing would recur. When the wheezing became a constant condition, my mother started thinking that she has had an asthma attack. My brother persuaded Amma to see a doctor, accordingly they consulted a doctor. Amma's siblings have had the condition of asthma and therefore, it was concluded by the doctor seeing Amma as hereditary and began treating her for asthma.
This treatment gave her some relief, but wheezing became a regular condition and her the treatment for asthma continued. Though over a period of time the treatment continued, yet the problem persisted. In addition to wheezing she developed swollen ankles.
My father-in-law was a doctor and a brilliant one at diagnosis simply based on the symptoms of the patient. When my wife told him about Amma's condition and her symptoms, he quickly concluded that, she was not suffering of asthma, but was suffering from an enlarged heart or slow heart failure. This was a bit of a shock to all of us. We decided that moment itself that we would bring Amma for treatment to Bangalore.
Amma was given the treatment for heart ailment that prevented further damage to her heart. After this treatment Amma recovered sufficiently. Thereafter she didn't return to the village to tend to the farm and her career as farmer came to an end and she came and settled down with us in Bangalore.
So she began a new chapter in her life as an elderly woman in a big city -Bangalore. It required changes in her lifestyle from being a farmer to life in a city. As a mother to me and my sister and brother, mother-in-law to my wife and a grand mother to my daughter, she performed these roles with such poise that it would have been difficult for any one to believe that she was a village simpleton! She adjusted to the city life very well and it was amazing to think her felicity to transform herself to suit to any place or lifestyle.
When she moved to Bangalore I was still working in a Bank and we lived in the residential quarters provided by the bank. It was a small house with one bedroom, hall and a kitchen. My daughter went to school early in the morning, me and my wife went to work by 10am, that left mother alone in the house for 6 hours until my daughter returned home from her school. This left her with plenty of time and was a challenge to her to mange so much of time with very little to do... unlike her busy schedule Inte village.
Though Amma did her morning prayers and also cooked dinner for us, that would not take much of her time. I was a bit concerned about how she will manage being alone at home and nothing much do. In few days I found her reding books almost on a daily basis.Though she had spent only 4 years in the school, her ability to read (Kannada - the local language) amazed me. My wife would help her with two or three Kannada novels written by different authors and she would lap it up in a matter of day or two. My wife made sure that there was a constant supply of Kannada novels to her and amma settled down into her routine of reading books and novels. The concern I had about how she would manage her time was solved by this simple solution and she kept her busy reading and boredom that would have really haunted her became alien to her. I heaved a sigh of relief that Amma was now occupied in her spare time and the routine of farming that kept her busy, no more became an issue.
I have always wondered about this quality of her to quickly transform herself to a any new given place or situation. Normally people who are busy and retire from their daily work, find the transition a bit difficult and they will miss their routine, friends, etc related to their work and therefore, constantly complain about the change in their life style and bore people who meet them, with their past achievements in their work place and all the heroics about the adventures in their life before retirement and construct stories after stories to narrate to anyone who met them......that is why youngsters dread to meet people who have retired from their work and staying at home after retirement!
It was remarkable that Amma not only didn't complain about the change in the life style but seemed to have overcome completely about her farming schedule and unlike the 'normal' retired people she didn't come up with the boring stories about her life in a village, farming and the hardships she went through... She seemed to have kept her past aside and focused on her present... reading books, talking about the general topics at home with us or relatives or guests who visited her. She had shed her role of a farmer!
There are many writings on 'giving up'. It is common knowledge that 'giving up' something that we are used to is not easy, rather it is painful to give up something we are used to. She adopted to this change in her lifestyle by switching over to reading novels. She showed by this example that giving up what one "is used to in the past can be overcome by finding an interest inherent in themselves and pursuing it with zest. It will ultimately help shed the 'old self' and bring a new path in the journey of life.
That part, Amma started taking interest in computers and in a few days she learnt to operate and to play computer games. She loved solving zig saw puzzles. We gifted her with many of them.
I was thinking of what is the learning and wisdon in this part of her story. Then it hit me that she passed on the wisdom about what contentment is through this part her life story!!
Her contended life aptly fits into the quote by Maltbie Davenport Babcock..... Which says :
"No one is discontented who employs and enjoys to the utmost of what he has. But this much at least can be done, and this is contentment, to have the most and best in life, by making the most and best of what we have....Contentment is not satisfaction. It is the grateful, faithful, fruitful use of what we have."
(Amma rediscovered her farm in Bangalore!")
When Amma came to bangalore, I was still working in the Bank and we lived in the house provided by the Bank. It was a small one bedroom house but made a huge difference to us moving from a very small cramped house to this house. I worked in the Bank till January 1996 and quit the bank in February 1996 and joined the law firm, my wife had already started.
We as a family had steadied the 'house boat' to what can be called an 'OK' living. But when I decided to quit the bank job and join the law firm, my mother and my friends were surprised about my decision and worried that I was abandoning a job which gave us a steady income and was taking a financial risk at the age of 37. They felt that it was not prudent on my part shifting to the law firm, without any previous experience in the field of law. It also meant that there would be no more steady income from the bank that would likely to cause financial uncertainty.
My mother however, despite her worry, supported my decision, not by some encouraging words but by cutting down on almost on all the house hold expenses. That was her way of telling me - 'son go ahead, I am with you'.
It turned out that by October 1997' in about two years, I somehow made it in the law firm and had made a good income from the profession to enable us to move to a bigger flat in an Apartment with 3 bedrooms - almost a penthouse, because the entire terrace of the Apartment opened in front of the bed room on the top floor. This mightily pleased my mother, as much as it pleased our family.
So, the risk taken by me to change my career had paid off and the financial uncertainty was gone!
The new flat was spacious enough and Amma felt proud about the progress made by us in the law firm. Amma continued her routine in the new flat. Since ours' was the only flat which opened up in front the terrace, we would use the terrace in the evenings to relax. In a few days after our arrival in the new flat, Amma suggested to me that we can put up a few plants in pots on the terrace, which would make the terrace look good.
That was the beginning of Amma's 'Terrace Farm'.
We started buying plants and started arranging them on the terrace. In a matter of six months the terrace started looking green and Amma added lemon plant and flowering plants and plants with some medicinal qualities, about which she knew as a farmer from the village.
In a matter of few months the terrace was transformed into Amma's mini farm with greenery on the terrace. With each addition the garden became more and more beautiful.
Amma would spend her mornings and evenings tending to her terrace farm, looking for any weed to be plucked from the pots or taking out the dried leaves from the branches or watering the plants and putting manure to the pots.
It was interesting to watch her being on the terrace tending the plants. She knew each plant on the terrace and would spend time with each one of them and appeared as though she was conversing with them.
The terrace garden became a popular spot for us to spend our evenings or entertain guests for an evening dinner party or for watching the gorgeous sun set.
Amma rediscovered her farm on the terrace and from that time till she passed away she tended the terrace garden with such care and love, it was as though a love bond between her and each of the plants.
It was some time in January 2002, the lemon plant in the pot had become almost a bush and was full of lemons and Amma kept a meticulous count of them every time she was on the terrace. It looked as though Amma and the lemon tree had become friends.
On the Hindu new year day in April 2002 Amma passed away. Though the rest of the plants continued to be healthy as before, the lemon tree started shedding its leaves and the lemons and in matter a few days the plant died. I believe that Amma and the lemon tree were so connected that, it appeared as though the lemon tree shed its leaves and died to express it's grief of losing Amma and wanted to be with her wherever she was and it followed Amma.
Such was her dedication to farming that she rediscovered the farm on the terrace and that her affection for the plants was unstinted and she never lost love and care for the plants. The farmer in her lived on.....!
I believe that, this story of Amma teaches some simple wisdom.... :
In order to support someone in times of need or change, one need not be verbose or talk and give endless sermons on inspiration, but taking a few actions like Amma did - cutting down the house hold expenses - one can silently but firmly show to the person you want to support that you are on his/her side and always there to fall back upon and depend on for support.
Further, this anecdote also teaches that no matter where you are or where you are placed or shifted in terms of your work or work place or where one is compelled to settled down and regardless of such situations, one can rediscover himself/herself and can turn the situation pleasant and to one's advantage - you will be a winner making the person whom you support a winner.
(Detachment- Amma going to the village and never going into the village house:)
This is an interesting and perhaps a bit of a strange anecdote about Amma.
It was some time in 2000 my mother and my mother-in-law and a couple of her friends went on a pilgrimage to a few places near my village. My village has a temple of goddess Laxmi and in their itinerary they had included my village too. They travelled by car so that they could visit many places.
After visiting all the other places of worship, the team reached my village by lunch time. Since their purpose was pilgrimage and it was also
almost lunch time, they decided to visit the Goddess Laxmi temple. After the prayers they had their lunch (prashad) in the temple as is the tradition in our village temple. My village house is two hundred yards from the Temple. Therefore, my mother-in-law, it appears, suggested that before they left the village it maybe a good idea to visit our village house. I must at this point tell you that, by this time all of us - my brother, sister and me had shifted to live in Bangalore and the house was under the care of a relative and the people to whom my brother had assigned the farm to be looked after.
I was told that Amma went to the house and sat in he verandah (open portico) and talked to people around and after the team was ready to leave she tagged along with them and left the village. I was told that she didn't make any effort to go inside the house to see whether the upkeep of the house was alright and not even looked inside the kitchen or any part of the house, save sitting in the verandah and exchanging courtesies with the people around taking care of the house and the farm.
When I heard this I was a bit puzzled that Amma didn't show any interest in the village house or showed any sign of nostalgia and she was just normal and talked to people around who were taking care of the house and the farm.
For a couple of days I was thinking about this incidence. The woman who lived in that house for more tha35 years and took care of the house and saw her children grow up and worked to hold the family together and was part of every activity in the house chose not to go inside the house to see whether the upkeep of the house was alright or to see some part of the house which was dear to her that evoked memories of living in that house. None! She didn't do anything like that.
After a couple of days of thinking about this, it dawned on me that, she had just dropped the house from her belongings and there was no craving about the house that it was hers and she was the owner and she didn't even try to tell her team mates the many stories about the house.
I believe,this is a the greatest example about detachment and giving up. I had read about (detachment) and maha vairagya (supreme detachment) in a book by Guruji on Patanjali's yoga sutra and I would do well to quote it, which sums up what detachment and supreme detachment mean:
"parama vairagya.
Detachment and supreme detachment. Dispassion and supreme dispassion. Being in the middle of everything and not running away from it but enjoying it and yet be detached is supreme detachment or supreme dispassion. Mere detachment is not being affected by anything and not being disturbed is a kind of inertia"
Perhaps this anecdote about Amma's visit and the way she related to the village and her house gives a practicle example of the meaning of supreme detachment (maha vairagya). She went to the village and she went to the house and talked to all the people taking care of the farm and the house. She didn't show any feverishness about the house in which she lived enjoying and also enjoyed being there after several years.
I sincerely feel that what is said about supreme detachment and supreme dispassion in the above quote becomes so easy to grasp When you read the anecdote about Amma visiting the village and the village house. The following story, i believe, also gives her sense of supreme detachment.
(Amma was light hearted because she never carried the weight of her past)
I am convinced that her very nature of being supremely dispassionate got her through the most embarrassing, hurting and humiliating situations and kept her firmly on the ground and let her express all her love and kept her in bliss.
The following anecdote illustrates her nature of not carrying any burden or incidence of the past to affect her present and i believe that because of her nature of not draggng the past burden of life she remained 'light' and enjoyed the present.
It was May 21st 1983, the day of my wedding with Rama.
I must give a little background relating this story, before I narrate the story.
1983 was just one year after i had landed the Bank job. Our family's financial position was not satisfactory, as by that time my father had retired and the farm yield was not enough to sustain the house and the education of three children -after my graduation-two children, my brother and sister.
I had taken up the bank job in Bangalore while my sister and brother were studying in Dharwad. My family didn't have any savings and it was just the beginning of my career. To sum up, it was not the appropriate time for my wedding with Rama as I was not equipped to take it on.
However, the wedding date was fixed as May 21st 1983 and I told my parents about the wedding. Even they were not ready financially to go ahead with the event.
In the Indian tradition, the marriage is normally performed at the place of the parents of bride. So it was Dharwad. Rama and me decided that we will have a very simple marriage ceremony with our family around and invite only a few friends. That's how it was. We spent the least money possible to make the ceremony very very simple. The marriage ceremony was over on 21st and my parents we're to leave to the village on the 22nd early morning. My parents had come in their simple clothes and housed in one of the friend of Rama's father.
In the Indian tradition, it is customary for the families of the groom and the bride to meet and exchange courtesies by way of exchanging a coconut and some fruits and bid the grooms family good bye.
During the entire ceremony I was in my own world and it appears that my parents managed with whatever facility they had in the house they stayed during the ceremony. My parents were real gentle people and didn't expect any courtesies or fanfare from the brides family, which in the Indian tradition is customary. Rama later told me that her family didn't even show the courtesy of bidding my parents good bye before they left to my village. Rama was upset about this whole episode and she cried that my parents were in way insulted by her family. This Rama thought must have left some amount of bitterness with my parents.
Me and Rama were to travel to the village for ceremonies in my village as is customary in our part of the world. Rama was still upset and also told me that she was a little apprehensive about how my parents would receive her in the village. She felt awkward, concerned, apprehensive about the visit. She was not sure what to expect and how to respondent to what would happen in the village.
It's customary in our village the new couple is welcomed with the traditional Indian ceremonies and the whole village would gather to celebrate the arrival of the new couple followed by lunch.
That was exactly what happened and there was festivity in our house and the village folk showered their blessings us and gifts were given to Rama and me and the voltage ceremony ended with the ceremonial village lunch.
Me and Rama stayed for a couple of days before we left the village and during these days my parents were courteous to Rama and showered love on her by taking care of her needs. There was not a single sentence spoken about the episode in Dharwad either of my parents and our entire stay was pleasant.
Me and Rama returned to Bangalore and life went on as usual. Rama still had that little irritant in her mind about the Dharwad episode about the treatment given to my parents and she almost expected that Amma would speak about or comment about it some day.
Years passed by and Amma never ever raised that topic any time during those years and didn't even mention a word about that even after Amma came to live with us.
Rama recalls all of this and always says that Amma was such a nice soul that she never made Rama uncomfortable about not only about the marriage episode or any other thing. In fact their relationship was that of mother and daughter instead being daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
For me the learning from this anecdote is that, Amma was perhaps a perfect example a supremely dispassionate person.. As described by Guruji in his book on Patanjali, she didn't carry the burden of the past, she was in the middle of everything and enjoyed everything and never ran away or was affected by past, therefore she was light hearted and could express her true love without being hindered by the past events.
Amma please remind me your wisdom every time I feel burdened by my past events or events that disturb me, through your silent whispers.
The last days of Amma:
Amma being a hard worker coupled with the fact of being a farmer amidst the greenery of the farm, she was healthy and medicine was somewhat alien to her. However, some time during early nineties, she developed wheezing, which she treated herself with the village herbals. The wheezing recurred on a regular bais and became a constant bother. Therefore, my brother took her to a doctor to a town near by our village. Amma's family had a history of iasthma and her two siblings suffered from asthma from a young age, based perhaps on the said data, the doctor suspected that Amma suffered from asthma and treated her for asthma.
Even after months Amma's condition didn't improve, rather it got worse and in addition she developed swelling in the ankles. During this time my father passed away and perhaps that aggravated her condition.
My father-in-law was an excellent doctor at diagnosis, merely on the description of the symptoms. My wife being worried about her mother's condition shared about Amma's condition and my father-in-law was quick to point out that the condition Amma was suffering was not asthma but a gradual enlargement of heart - a condition known as slow heart failure and he advised immediate treatment for the heart condition rather than for asthma.
We rushed to the village and brought Amma to Bangalore and the treatment for arresting the heart condition began. Luckily Amma responded to the treatment and the condition didn't worsen and she stabilized and her wheezing disappeared and once again Amma was back on track and cheerful. We were happy because Amma came to Bangalore and started living with us.
Amma got into her stride quickly in Bangalore. She had my sister and brother's house to visit apart from visiting some relatives who lived in Bangalore.
She kept herself busy and happy with many things. Morning prayers, reading kannada novels, cooking, watching TV and her favorite terrace farm! She would pluck some flowers and keep them for the next day earning morning Pooja/prayers.
Rama, my wife took care of her and made Amma as comfortable as possible. It was really heartening that both of them jelled well. I will dwell on the relationship and the bond they created with each other in another part. Suffice here to say that it was a relationship of friendship and camaraderie than mere mother-in-law & daughter-in-law relationship.
Her perception of life that she should be useful and that she should not a bother to others with raged to her health is a lesson to all that make sure you are healthy and useful and do whatever it needs to maintain that to be useful and not a bother to people around.
Amma's medication continued and she would tell me jokingly that she didn't know how a pill tasted in her entire life and the pills she was swallowing every day was more than food she ate! On a serious note she explained to me that she firmly believed that she should be useful and that she should not a bother to others with raged to her health and therefore, even if it meant a whole lot of pills to swallow, she would do it. There was really no alternative, as her heart had an enlarged heart and the medication was a must. Life went peacefully and Amma enjoyed her life.
It was some time during 2002 Amma's heart condition became a bit fragile and during her regular check up the doctor who treated her expressed some concern about the heart condition and also told us that Amma's liver had also suffered enlargement owing to the side effects of the pills she took as well as due to the old age. She was 75 then.
Over a period of a few months Amma's condition deteriorated and owing to the liver problem her food intake became less and less. Thus Amma grew weaker by the week and the medication, though helped to a certain extent, it didn't help any further.
Despite her condition Amma didn't stop her daily routine and put up a bold face. She was very clear that she should not be hospitalized and requested us so. We therefore engaged a visiting doctor to visit her every day for check up. She continued her daily routine.
I followed a tradition of touching her feet every day in the morning before i left to my work. Amma would chat with me in the morning when I went to take her blessings by touching her feet and she would enquire about the work and what was happening in general.
Because of the enlargement of heart and also liver her food intake became less and less that made her weak and frail.
It was ugadi an Indian festival (Hindu new year day) 2002. It's a special occasion in south India and we would perform pooja/prayers and celebrate the festival with fanfare.
A day before my wife had organized everything for the celebration of the festival - flowers, sweets, hired a cook to prepare a special menu and had invited my brother and sister's family. She had bought a new saree to my mother.
Somehow I was not feeling good looking at Amma's condition and talked to my wife that we will cancel the celebration. But Amma insisted that the festival be celebrated as it was an auspicious occasion and that she was feeling ok and asked us not to cancel celebration and go on with it.
Early morning pooja/prayers began with a pandit who had been specially invited on such occasions to perform the pooja.... All the things were getting ready for celebrates. My brothers & sister's family came home. My mother looked happy and cheerful with all the people around busy talking to everyone of them.
When it was time for lunch, Amma was to get ready to be part of the celebration. She was weak and therefore my sister and wife helped to the bath room and gave her bath and helped her to wear the saree. In her fragile voice Amma told me that she had hoped that she would not depend on any one giving her bath or helping her wear saree and that it happened that day and she looked a little regretful.
Amma came and sat on a chair and prayed to the idols of god which were decorated and asked us to have lunch. She told,us that she would have her lunch after finished our lunch. We all sat and were having our lunch. It's a tradition in India that on festival occasions when people are having lunch some one would sing a devotional song. Amma donned that role that day and she sang a bhajan, it was the most emotional moment in my life. All of us cheered her. She called each one of us and blessed us. Then she tried eating lunch but couldn't really eat much, but she looked happy and satisfied with all of us around and especially the children. By after noon she went take her nap.
By evening her condition worsened and knowing fully well that I was so attached to her, she suggested I went to a temple with my family to avoid me being there and she didnt want me to se her sufering. Somhow I was uncomfortable to even step out of the house, but Amma insisted that I visited the templeadnd it was 8 pm it the evening. My brother and uncle stayed at home to take care of Amma.
We returned from the temple around 9pm and found that Amma had passed away. I had lost not only my mother... but my greatest admirer and support. I felt orphened and sat besides her - held her hand and silently cried. Even on the day of her death she had shown tremendous presence of mind, care for others happiness, kindness in blessing everyone, not be a bother to anyone despite her painful condition -participating and sining a bhajan in the family function, making sure in not letting me see her suffering when she died.
She had said that morning of the day she died that she didn't want to bathed or dressed by any one - that is not to be dependent on any one to take care of her and the day it happened - she decided to GO.
Should I call her an epitome of a courageous and a gritty wife, an arduous farmer who saved our family from shattering apart or an ocean of love for her children or a tremendous support to me and my siblings, or a silent wise woman who's actions gave more wisdom than her words or a symbol of appropriateness, or a mountain of patience even in the most difficult circumstances, or an angel sent to our family to take care of us... I deeply feel that she is all this and more and a lovely and a graceful soul.
I miss you mother, but I know in my heart of hearts that you are with me and part of me and all the good deeds I do are all guided by you being in my heart and soul. I know you are there and will always be with me!
Epilogue:
I have gone through the roller coaster of life and I have seen the deepest valley and highest peak in these past years. In times when I hit the rock bottom, I had felt orphaned by Amma's absence and had thought that my greatest admirer and support vanished from my life and I was rendered lonely. But when I remember even one of her stories, it has taken me out from that valley and has made me bounce back with vigor and unlimited courage. I firmly believe that Amma has not gone anywhere. She lives in me and each of her children and Amma's Grace, love, courage, grit, compassion and all her being will always live in us and guide us through the throes of life with joy and and bliss..
Though I have attempted this short sketch of Amma's life from my perspective. But if this story was written by either my younger brother Santosh or my younger sister Geeta, i believe that this story would have been identical and I am sure each one of them would have expressed the same sentiment about Amma and would have admiringly written about her courage, simplicity, patience, love, tolerance, self respect, giving, supporting, ..... and all that I have expressed in the story. In a way she was an example not only worthy of admiration and praise but also more importantly worthy of emulation
If ever you have wondered whether courage, grit, determination, unstinted faith and conviction, compassion, unconditional love, ....... can co-exist in one single person in harmony, Amma's story should convince you that it is possible!
I feel, in each one of these anecdotes and the story of Amma, there is some learning and enough wisdom to guide through life's situations. When ever i am at cross roads in my life or be bothered by doubts, I just need to revisit Amma's anecdotes and stories and I am pretty sure to find an answer and guidance to overcome whatever obstacle that may come my way.
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